Goodmorning Retards!

Let's ask Google questions!

2006-02-18T10:29:00.000-08:00

Google pretty much runs the world now. It is all knowing and all seeing. So let's ask "Google Image" questions!

Question #1: "What is the most awesome thing on the planet?"

Google's Answer:

Ok, touche' Google.

Question #2: "Who is the hottest lady ever?"

Google's Answer:

Really? Seriously? I mean ... ever? Ok, I guess.

Question #3: "What's life all about?"

Google's Answer:

Ok, works for me. Next question.

Question #4: "What job will I have 5 years from now?"

Google's Answer:

If that's a job, then count me IN!

Question#5: "Is someone trying to kill me?"

Google's Answer:

"Well, yeah, but I mean, like me specifically?"

Google's Answer:

"What? Wait! Who's that?"

Google's Answer:

"Doghug?"

Google's Answer:

"Awww, that's cute,"

Google's Answer:

"I love you, Google."

Google's Answer:

Now I pretend that I am a studio executive and IMDB summaries are movies being pitched to me.

2006-02-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

IMDB:
A prequel to the 1964 Peter Sellers original film, where the detective must solve the murder of a famous soccer coach and find out who stole the infamous Pink Panther diamond.

Me:
It's not a prequel because it takes place in modern time. Unless there is a timetravel or quantum reverse subplot in this film and somehow 2006 takes place before 1964. But even besides that, this movie looks retarded. No.

IMDB:
After a long visit to the planet Krypton, the Man Of Steel returns to earth to become the peoples savior once again and reclaim the love of Lois Lane.

Me:
This looks like the gayest film ever. I could watch an IMAX video of a dude fisting another dude up to his elbow and still have a straighter evening than going to see this.
Superman isn't interesting anymore.
His costume looks stupid and way too bright.
Next.

IMDB:
Tom Hanks investigates a murder in the Louvre and finds clues in Da Vinci paintings that lead to the discovery of a religious mystery protected by a secret society for two thousand years -- which could shake the foundations of Christianity.

Me:
I like the murder in the Louvre part. But instead of all the religious stuff, what if Tom Hanks gets locked in the Louvre overnight and a tiger escapes from his cage and chases Tom Hanks around!

IMDB:
A heart stopping mythic action-adventure set against the turbulent end times of the once great Mayan civilization. When his idyllic existence is brutally disrupted by a violent invading force, a man is taken on a perilous journey to a world ruled by fear and oppression where a harrowing end awaits him.

Me: There are certain formulas in Hollywood. Certain rules that never change in the industry. One of these is that nobody goes to see movies about Mexicans. Now, I like Mel! His last movie made big money and I'd like to be in business with him. But the last flick had a built in audience! There are millions of Christians all over the country. No one worships Mexicans.
Pass.

Hi.

2006-02-02T12:55:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton is a dumb, racist porn star.

2005-02-24T15:47:00.000-08:00

Every piece of that sentence has been proven. There is video tape to back up each adjective. It's fact.
Yet this country is obsessed with her. She just released her own brand of perfume last month!
People are paying to smell like a stupid whore bigot!
Do you know what stupid whore bigot's smell like? Do you?
Hardees. That's what. They usually smell like Hardees.
And they usually tell you some story about their sick kid while they ask you for a quarter.
Paris Hilton smells like a Monster Burger and her kid's got a fever so she needs 50 cents to buy a themometer.
I hate her.

It's morning in America!

2005-01-25T07:52:00.000-08:00

The birds are chirping! Children are beginning to come outside again! The low lying clouds of being lame are lifting! This is going to be awesome!!!